Why I Am Afraid of My Blog

Well, although Maryam Scoble said it best, I think that I need to write some of the reasons that I have for starting a blog, being excited about a blog, and then not publishing anything. I will not rehash all of Maryam's reasons, but know that they certainly apply here.

• After reading my first post, I am worried that if I continue on that route my blog will end up being a Sweet Valley High rip off - which is most definitely not my intent.
• Re: above reason - I then spend countless minutes, probably bordering on hours, wondering whether I should delete that post, or write something else to explain it, or just scrap the whole thing and start again, or not start again. And by the time I am done with that bout of obsession, Andrew is awake and I don't have time to write anymore. Repeat ad nauseum and you might start to get the picture.
• I am lazy. When I have free time I would much prefer to spend it reading a novel that allows me to escape reality, eating until I am numb, watching a movie that I have seen about 100 times, sleeping, or doing any number of pointless organizational projects around my house in order to avoid having to deal with the shit that is floating around in my head.
• I procrastinate. Always have, always will. I love Jen's "Life Cycle of a Procrastinator" because she so captures the snowball effect that occurs in many areas of my life.
• And then, along with all the worries about whether or not people will read my blog, what they will think, if they will make mean comments and why I should care about the comments that strangers make, I worry that if I get all the shit out of my head and on to paper (so to speak) and I see it all, I might not be able to get out of the hole that I have dug and then everything that I suspected about myself would be true and I would have to deal with that truth.

My mind is so tangled that I am afraid of what it will be like to untangle everything. It seems like the status quo is so much easier to deal with than the unknown, even though the unknown could be so much healthier for everyone.

But then, I see the freedom that comes with honesty and openness and I hear the voices of my friends urging me to write and work through this stuff and I think that this might be the chance that I have to do something. To act instead of react. To put my faith into action and take a step toward the goal that I have been staring at for so long. So I am going to try it.

Plus, my husband gets really excited when I ask him questions about geeky stuff. :)